Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Grrl With The Most Cake Throws It Up.

There are certain things I have no business doing, For instance, I have no business blasting "No Air" in the car and attempting to sing both Jordin Sparks’ and Chris Brown’s runs simultaneously, at the top of my lungs, all the while illustrating the fact that I am singing by using overemphasized hand gestures of an X-tina Agulera nature. No business, do I have to do that.

Not that that stops me.

I also have no business attempting to transition from anorexia (which I am not convinced that I have, but my shrink is) to bulimia, a disorder which involves several components, none of which I have ever been good at.

Not that that stops me.

I’ve been hungry lately and I have to do something to get rid of the extra calories I find myself consuming. That "something" is the very thing I ought not to be doing, not just for health reasons, but for capability reasons. To put it bluntly, I am a sucky bulimic.

The typical bulimic binge is supposed to involve thousands upon thousands of calories. Mine involves eating not one Skinny Cow ice cream cone, but…wait for it, wait for it….two. Even I know that 300 calories does not a binge make. Still, its enough for me.

Next comes the purge, which is where I really shine. People like me have no business attempting to throw up. What should be a quick finger down the throat expulsion of reduced fat salt and vinegar chips turns into a song and dance routine of epic proportions, complete with its own introductory monologue ("Just do it! Just do it! That Lean Cuisine is affixing itself to your abdomen as we speak! Just do it you candy-ass—oh. Candy. That sounds good right about now…."). I always manage to get the job done, so to speak, but it’s a massive time suck, what with the half-hour of cheerleading that is required for me to get anything up.

I have no business doing what I am doing. Still, in this case—and in the case of so many other things in life— I continue to seek the instant gratification that comes from doing something I shouldn’t.

Which is why, the next time you see me walking around my house completely naked, blinds up, windows open and neighbors likely gawking, don’t try to intervene. Yes, it’s true, I have no business doing that.

Not that that stops me.